Grieving

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This is just an update on what's been happening with me, which may be TMI or of no interest to anyone who is looking for knitting content. If this is the case, then skip this post, scroll further down and read the next one.
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I went to the lab last Thurs and Sat for my quantitative HCG blood tests. The Thurs one went fine. On Sat, I made the mistake of looking at what was being done, saw this BIG vial, and got lightheaded. Look away. Look away. Never look at what they're doing. Why did I look this time?

I got a phone call this morning from Dr. H's office asking me to come in. So I rounded up the traveling circus and we headed over to the medical building. According to all the dates, I am at 10 weeks. Dr. H told me that my HCG levels were ~55,000, which is normal for this time. She removed a polyp and said that this was most likely the cause of my bleeding. Did a Pap. So far so good. But then we went to the Ultrasound... the machine registered 8.5 weeks and no heartbeat. No heartbeat! Dr. H said that it stopped growing about 1.5 weeks ago, and at this stage it is due to chromosomal defect. I can't tell you how I felt when I heard this news. We wanted another baby and it took us such a long time to actually conceive, so this felt like a major blow. Another concern I have is that I am in my late 30's so it's not getting any easier (and the risks are increasing).

Dr. H gave me the option of letting the natural miscarriage take its course, which should happen within 2 weeks, or choosing a D&C with or without general anesthesia. She said that the natural course would be painful, more painful than when Aunt Flo visits, but that it shouldn't be too bad for someone who has gone through natural childbirth without epidural. But then, she also said the same thing about D&C without general anesthesia, and also mentioned that many teens go through D&C at PP without any. I decided to let nature run its course and see if it'll flush everything out on its own. I have a follow up appt with Dr. H to see whether the natural process was complete, and if not, then she would do a D&C to remove anything left over. She also prescribed some Vicodin for any miscarriage pain I'll feel. I'm hoping it won't be so bad that I will need to use them. Since we don't know exactly when this will happen, she advised staying close to home.

One more thing, and it is a stupid thing. Dr. H asked me what my blood type was. I know I've been told what it is many times. I just can't remember what it is. So she ordered a blood test to find out. So yes, I got poked 3 times within 5 days. What fun.

I was so proud of myself for managing to hold back the tears until I got into the car (after stopping by the lab for the blood test after seeing Dr. H). I'm trying to take it easy now. I was trying to think of how to break the news to my Mom, when she called while I was giving Miss M her lunch. The first thing she said was that I shouldn't have done any heavy lifting, should have done this, shouldn't have done that, said I probably drank too much green tea, etc. She has her own ideas about why things happen or don't happen. She's superstitious and went on to tell me about things that happened during the first 15 days of the Chinese New Year. It's challenging to make her understand something medical/scientific in simple terms that she would understand, especially when I am unable to explain it in Chinese.

Must try to look at the bright side. An Oct 8 due date isn't very good when peak raking season in my town (or rather, on my street) starts that month. Imagine a 9 month pregnant woman raking leaves! Not gonna happen. And raking certainly wouldn't happen after baby is born in that month either. So this is just a chance for us to try again for a Spring 2009 baby. Yeah, that's it...


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