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Monday, March 10, 2008

Grieving

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This is just an update on what's been happening with me, which may be TMI or of no interest to anyone who is looking for knitting content. If this is the case, then skip this post, scroll further down and read the next one.
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I went to the lab last Thurs and Sat for my quantitative HCG blood tests. The Thurs one went fine. On Sat, I made the mistake of looking at what was being done, saw this BIG vial, and got lightheaded. Look away. Look away. Never look at what they're doing. Why did I look this time?

I got a phone call this morning from Dr. H's office asking me to come in. So I rounded up the traveling circus and we headed over to the medical building. According to all the dates, I am at 10 weeks. Dr. H told me that my HCG levels were ~55,000, which is normal for this time. She removed a polyp and said that this was most likely the cause of my bleeding. Did a Pap. So far so good. But then we went to the Ultrasound... the machine registered 8.5 weeks and no heartbeat. No heartbeat! Dr. H said that it stopped growing about 1.5 weeks ago, and at this stage it is due to chromosomal defect. I can't tell you how I felt when I heard this news. We wanted another baby and it took us such a long time to actually conceive, so this felt like a major blow. Another concern I have is that I am in my late 30's so it's not getting any easier (and the risks are increasing).

Dr. H gave me the option of letting the natural miscarriage take its course, which should happen within 2 weeks, or choosing a D&C with or without general anesthesia. She said that the natural course would be painful, more painful than when Aunt Flo visits, but that it shouldn't be too bad for someone who has gone through natural childbirth without epidural. But then, she also said the same thing about D&C without general anesthesia, and also mentioned that many teens go through D&C at PP without any. I decided to let nature run its course and see if it'll flush everything out on its own. I have a follow up appt with Dr. H to see whether the natural process was complete, and if not, then she would do a D&C to remove anything left over. She also prescribed some Vicodin for any miscarriage pain I'll feel. I'm hoping it won't be so bad that I will need to use them. Since we don't know exactly when this will happen, she advised staying close to home.

One more thing, and it is a stupid thing. Dr. H asked me what my blood type was. I know I've been told what it is many times. I just can't remember what it is. So she ordered a blood test to find out. So yes, I got poked 3 times within 5 days. What fun.

I was so proud of myself for managing to hold back the tears until I got into the car (after stopping by the lab for the blood test after seeing Dr. H). I'm trying to take it easy now. I was trying to think of how to break the news to my Mom, when she called while I was giving Miss M her lunch. The first thing she said was that I shouldn't have done any heavy lifting, should have done this, shouldn't have done that, said I probably drank too much green tea, etc. She has her own ideas about why things happen or don't happen. She's superstitious and went on to tell me about things that happened during the first 15 days of the Chinese New Year. It's challenging to make her understand something medical/scientific in simple terms that she would understand, especially when I am unable to explain it in Chinese.

Must try to look at the bright side. An Oct 8 due date isn't very good when peak raking season in my town (or rather, on my street) starts that month. Imagine a 9 month pregnant woman raking leaves! Not gonna happen. And raking certainly wouldn't happen after baby is born in that month either. So this is just a chance for us to try again for a Spring 2009 baby. Yeah, that's it...


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61 stitch(es):

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss.

winterhart534 said...

Marie, I'm so very, very sorry to hear this.

Gentle hugs to you and your family.

Becca said...

I don't have any wise words, but I am so sorry.

Chris said...

I am so very very sorry

JoanK said...

Marie, I am so sorry - very gentle cyber hugs to you.

Grace Yaskovic said...

you have my sympathies Marie, I had 3 miscarraiges and 3 children, I will keep you in my prayers!!

Becky in Iowa :O) said...

Man, I'm sorry hun. {{{hugs}}} It's so not your fault and don't ever let anyone make you feel like it was. Everyone that reads your blog knows how great a mom you are. Prayers are here for you and the family.

Debbie said...

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

Rachel said...

I too am truly sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you, especially in the next coming weeks. I hope that the delivery of the miscarriage isn't too painful for you, either. *Hugs*

Joan said...

I am so sorry to hear this. There are no words except that I'm thinking of you.

Karen said...

You are in my prayers. God bless you and your family.

Kim U said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Teresa said...

I wish things were different for you and I am so sorry. You did nothing wrong and I'm sure you know that. My prayers are with you.

Zandra said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending positive thoughts your way, and hoping you get that Spring 2009 baby.

Tan said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope things will work out for you on the next go.

Acornbud said...

Oh my, so sorry for your loss. Hope the natural course is a smooth one for you. Hugs

Cat said...

I am so sorry honey. Know I am thinking about you.

Big Hugs{{{{{{}}}}}}

edina said...

I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

Queen of the froggers said...

I am so sorry for you. This happened to me at 12 weeks and I opted for the D&C, it was a few years ago now.. Take care and hugs to you. xxx

erasmus (aka jiva) said...

oh gosh. I feel for you deeply and I wish such sad things did not have to happen. Good luck dealing with all of the situation. deepest condolences.

Cindy said...

Thank you for letting us know. I've been worried. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Be good to yourself.

Silver Phoenix said...

I lurk along on your blog (and when I graduate to cabling, I am so doing one or all of your patterns), and just wanted to pass on my own condolences.

Don't let the age thing scare you--24 year old women have miscarriages all the time, they just don't panic because they're 24. Odds of a 40 year old woman having trouble conceiving within a 6 month period: 2 in 300. That means she's got 298 in 300 chances for naturally conceiving a baby. That's better than 95%. The odds on birth defects aren't really all that much worse, when you look at it from the "what are the odds it will all go right" side.

So rest up, relax. Drink your green tea (it's good for you). You'll need all that energy for Baby 2, whenever s/he gets here!

Suzann said...

I am so sorry Marie. What a loss for you and your husband. Take care of yourself and get as much rest as Miss M will allow you. You are in my thought and prayers

Anonymous said...

best wishes...and feel the support of all who surround you...

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

THE KNITORIOUS MRS. B said...

Sorry to read about your sad news. You know how moms are, trying to say the right thing, but coming out all wrong-in any lanquage. As to the why.... sometimes things just happen for no reason at all.
Try to be kind to yourself. you're a good person.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss and empathize completely. My heart goes out to you. I had 4 miscarriages and have 1 son (16 yo now). You're in my prayers. You will probably hear many things from will meaning people, who don't know what to say, that will actually hurt, but don't take them to heart. People are just awkward when someone is emotionally hurt.

Lisa C. said...

I am so sorry.

Nancy @ the Jersey Shore said...

Sending you healing thoughts and a cyber hug. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

When I had a miscarriage the doctor told me that one in every four pregnancies end in miscarriage and that most women didn't even know they were pregnant. Is that true, I don't know but I do know that you did nothing to cause it. I'm so sorry!!

Lisa W. said...

I am so sorry Marie. My heart goes out to you and your husband. Hug. I wish your mom could be more supportive for you, it's sad that blaming is her way of coping with pain and uncomfortable feelings. Big hug again.

Jennifer said...

My prayers are with you at this time.

You will be a mother again. You are still young...take care of yourself and before you know it natural will present itself again. Take care....

Anonymous said...

Bless you - that one wasn't meant to be. There will be more. Have faith. You're in our prayers.

Sandra said...

Marie,
I'm so sorry. There really are no words.

Allison said...

Marie,

My heart goes out to you! I know how you are feeling. I had a miscarriage of the pregnancy before my son was born. It is very hard but hang in there and know that you often get pregnant much quicker afterward than it took you in the first place so don't necessarily assume it will take as long again. Also I was 39 when he was born so try not to worry too much about the age thing. It was so painful (emotionally) at the time but now I look at him and know that he is meant to be my son. So I believe there is a wonderful baby on the way in your future. If you ever want to talk I'm here for you.

Trish - My Merino Mantra said...

Dear Marie, I am so very sorry for your great loss. Please know that I am thinking about you. I know how painful this can be, from someone who has lost a baby herself.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I went through this at 20 wks and I just want to say be very kind and gentle to yourself. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. And, this baby will always hold a special place in your heart; mine still does after 13 yrs. It will take time, but you will grow to think of this baby with great love and great tenderness instead of the extreme sadness you feel now.

Gryffinitter said...

Marie, I am so sorry to hear this. I send you virtual hugs and a lot of sympathy. There just are no really good things to say, but I wish there were...

T from the Elann site

junior_goddess said...

Hi. She was blaming it on your goofy underwear, wasn't she? (smile) She's just trying to put it right in her head.

At the end of it all, there is a pretty large portion of the population that miscarries-it's something like 1 in 10. Trouble is, no one tells you how to miscarry, or what to expect. My first was very difficult, and required a D&C. My second, not too bad.

I took up rose growing to help me get around my grief. You do what you need to. I'm sending a hug-

Bets

Kate said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I had a miscarriage before I had my 3 children. I think it is good that you are able to write about your experience. When I had my miscarriage so long ago people didn't talk about things like that very often. It is normal to feel sad about this loss. Keep taking your pregnancy vitamins over the next few months and then give it another go. Sending you love and hugs.

Stormy said...

Sympathy and empathy.

hakucho said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. hugs.

Anonymous said...

(((hugs for you and your family))))

When they'll be raking all the leaves, You'll be sitting by the window, stroking nice, round bump with a little wiggly someone inside, I'm sure.
My kid brother is such a Spring Baby, born when my Mom was 43(and smoker of 20 years, sorry to say), now a strapping lad of 12, bright sassy and quite spoiled...

LaVerna said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.Sending you healing thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had one at 14 weeks due to a blighted ovum about 5 years ago. It was a shock at the time since I'd had no problems with two earlier pregnancies. At the time, I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. I made my husband call all our friends and tell them: I just couldn't do it. I eventually had to have a D and C because the tissue wouldn't pass out on its own. The upside to all of this is that I was overjoyed when we became pregnant with our third child. We named her Hibah which is Arabic for gift. I'm thinking of you and praying for your good health.

rachel said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry Marie. Nothing anyone can say will make things any easier but I hope knowing that we all care will help.
Olive

Steph said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers and healing thoughts heading your way. Hugs, Steph

Renna said...

I'm not sure if I've ever commented on your blog or not, but have been reading it off and on for quite a long time. I'm so very sorry for your family's devestating loss.

Les said...

I'm so sorry, Marie. I went thru this during my second pregnancy as well. Third time was a charm!
Pamper yourself!
Lesley

S said...

(with tears in my eyes)--My sympathy at your loss.

Anonymous said...

Marie, So very sorry to hear of your loss. As others say, take care of yourself, relax, don't fault yourself. Hope all goes well in the natural abortion, or D&C. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Jamie

Anonymous said...

Heartfelt hugs and condolences, Marie. I started bleeding at 12 weeks with my first pregnancy - thought I'd lost the baby - was overwhelmed with joy when I found I hadn't. So when I started bleeding at 10 weeks in my second pregnancy, I thought everything would be OK. It wasn't. I was overwhelmed with loss. Mourn for your loss - it's how you heal, but never think that something you did "caused" the miscarriage.

stitchin' girl said...

I am truly sorry for your loss. Please know that my heart is with you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Ursula said...

I am so sorry. *hugs*

DawnK said...

I'm so sorry. *hugs* Will keep baby vibes in my head for you, as you try for that spring '09 baby!

Anne said...

I can't begin to express how much my heart goes out to you. I will pray for you and your husband and the little one who went to God too soon.

boadiccea said...

I am so, so sorry to read this. We seem to be echoing each other - just when you were beginning to think you were pregnant, I was, too.

I miscarried, too. You are in my thoughts, and I send out wishes for your Spring 2009 baby.

Best,
Beth

Sarah said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know if this would help, but I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe like, you said, it just wasn't the right time.

benne said...

Marie, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I just read your blog today so I know this is late. I lost a baby at 20 weeks and it is one of those things I carry in my heart. You did nothing to cause this. Take care of yourself, you're in my thoughts and prayers.